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An underlying sense of counting down –
A rhythm deep: a defeated force has overcome me.
I fret and frown only wading in the muck
existing here in what is blackened life.

Feeling enshrined in overwhelming strife.
Darkness is slowly pulling me under.
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it.
The darkness won't let go of its hold on me.
For, I stand at the boundary of light and darkness.
All of the strength
All of the courage that I once held in my heart is no longer there.
No one can save me.
I don't want to fight anymore

There is no more possibility.
Time has come to halt all the pain, so I can now relish into eternity.
I want to be gone out of this world of conscientiousness, undetected by the occupants of this world.
I've given into darkness.
Goodbye forever…
Or so I thought.
Today, I am alive and I continue to rise!

Above is a poem about feelings I have felt about ending my own life. Suicide is a tragic event, and I share my story on surviving suicide to shed light on darkness. I want to cast light into the areas of shadows. This past week, Don Cornelius shot himself in the head, allegedly taking his own life. We lost a legacy that impacted pop culture and gave significant influence to that of black performers. Don Cornelius was the founder and host of Soul Train. However, his son Tony Cornelius said in a CBS interview that his father was "very unhappy about some things" and had health problems.

Today I take a stand. It’s time to deal with the horrific pain many people face and help others through their grief, as opposed to them taking their own lives. All creatures instinctually value life. Even a blade of grass or flower fights for the privilege of life. It’s time to listen carefully to the stories of others so our knowledge of suicide can deepen and grow. If we persist in this process, digging and sifting, like rocks beneath the surface of a plowed field; the reality of suicide can end.

Some suicides may be sudden and impulsive; others are the result of dealing with hardship and pain over many weeks, months, or even years. From my personal experience, a person who is considering suicide is experiencing severe stress and is at a serious personal crisis. Risk increases as the crisis, or the individual's perception of it, worsens. Feelings of control and self-esteem deteriorate. Shame and guilt may lead to self-alienation and isolation. Suicide is completed when the emotional pain is so unbearable that death is seen as the only relief. Suicide is a result of extreme hopelessness and helplessness. The contemplation of suicide comes to those who feel that nothing or no one can help them.

Not only does the person who has taken their life end, suicide has repercussions for everyone involved. The grief it causes is intense and prolonged. The loss of a loved one who committed suicide is forever felt. This I know, because my cousin recently took her own life. Why? I do not know. What I do know is that her face will never be seen again, her voice will never be heard again. She is forever missed and many people have been hurt.

The darkness need not surround us! No more struggling… No more pain….
"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."
~ By Mother Teresa

I wonder if Yasmeen Vaughan and I ever crossed paths. We're both about the same age and build. We're black women from Oakland. She graduated from Mills College and I grew up near there. Judging by her photos we have similar taste in fashion. Maybe we passed each other in a clothing store or at a flea market.

According to the Oakland Tribune, Yasmeen went missing a few weeks before Christmas of last year. Reports from her family claim she lived with untreated mental health problems. Relatives said that was the reason why Yasmeen isolated herself from them. So having no contact with her for a length of time wasn't new. When I first heard this story in January, I became worried for Yasmeen. When Africans Americans go missing, often the media passes us by. The U.K.'s Daily Mail reports that black people make up 40% of suspicious disappearances, but missing white women get the most media coverage. Which is why black cable network TV One created the new series "Find Our Missing."

Yasmeen's mental health problems caused my concerns to grew even more. I thought about Mitrice Richardson, a young black woman from South Los Angeles with bipolar disorder who disappeared a few years ago. She drove to an expensive Malibu restaurant that she couldn't afford and was acting odd. Some in the restaurant described her as behaving like she was on drugs. The staff called the police. Richardson was taken into custody by the Malibu Sheriff Dept., but released late night/early morning by herself. No family members were contacted to pick her up. If you've never been to Malibu, it's mostly beach, windy roads and cliffs. One year later, she was found dead in a deserted Malibu area.

Unfortunately, Yasmeen's story has a similar ending to Mitrice's. In mid-December, a security guard found her alive, clinging to rocks at the Oakland Estuary. Who knows how long she had been in those frigid waters. She died at a hospital a few hours later. The body was recently identified about one week ago. Yasmeen reportedly had no wallet or identification on her. What really pained me reading this story in the Oakland Tribune was a quote from her mother.

"'(Yasmeen) had cut herself off from all her friends and family. Part of the problem (with getting help for mental health issues) is the stigma that people of color have for reaching out for help.' Deborah Vaughan said she had not spoken to her daughter for weeks before she was found."

Another life loss because of mental health stigma. If only she knew good help was out there and having a mental health issue does not make her inferior. I wish she would have known that she could have a mental health issue and still live a quality life. I see testaments of this everyday at my job. Stories like Yasmeen and Mitrice's are another reminder of why what we do at PEERS is critical. Stopping stigma literally saves lives. I don't want Yasmeen Vaughan to have died in vain. Her death fuels my drive to inform the community about mental health. If she was anything like me, I think Yasmeen would want me to do just that.

 
Yasmeen Vaughan

On behalf of our staff and Board of Directors, I am delighted to celebrate PEERS' 10 years of community service, empowering individuals and advocating for a mental health system that focuses on wellness and recovery led by consumers.

Fortunately, Alameda County Behavioral Health Care Services has valued, supported and collaborated with PEERS since our inception in December 2001. We would not be here today without them by our side. We also would not be here if it were not for our past leaders: our founder Tracy Thode, Sydney Loggins, Andree Reyes, Harold Lowe, Katrina Killian, John Woodruff, and many more who planted and watered the seeds of our growth. 

It was while reflecting on this momentous event, that I was reminded of the principles that motivated not only me, but many of us to get involved with PEERS.The principles that PEERS was founded on and continues to drive our success today are:

1. Building positive relationships

2. Fostering collaborations between consumers and the community

Through these principles, we are reaching out and improving the quality of life for so many struggling with mental health challenges. We are self-determined and empowered to share both our personal experiences and expertise about our health.

Ten years ago, I was a person who feared sharing my experience within the mental health system. I had seen several psychiatrists in my lifetime and struggled with isolation, extended periods of sadness and sudden mood changes. I was ashamed and worried that others would think I was incompetent and therefore discredit me. 

Luckily, I was introduced to PEERS through my work at Villa Fairmont, a mental health rehabilitation center. I attended one of the monthly Wellness Recovery Action Planning (WRAP) orientations and was hooked from the beginning. WRAP fascinated me. Its focus on hope, personal responsibility, education, self advocacy and support was exactly what I needed. The orientation brought together individuals with unique life experiences and different views of wellness. The common thread was that we were there with a willingness to learn. We shared our wellness tools and began developing action plans to address our challenges. I remember leaving that orientation with a sense of renewed hope and commitment to my wellness. The most important detail to me was that the staff modeled the principles PEERS was founded on, positive relationship building and community collaborations. They also created a space that was safe, welcoming and treated everyone with unconditional high regard. It was powerful!

Clearly, our founder had a vision and emphasized the need for the inclusion and leadership of people with mental health challenges in transforming the mental health system. It’s an enormous accomplishment that we are standing here 10 years later with all of our success. 

In the last four years, we have grown 300% and touched over 11,500 lives.

We are also making waves in the media/marketing world and have established an unwavering commitment to quality, innovation, and partnerships when bringing positive changes to the mental health system.

Some of you may have heard the African proverb which says, “If you wish to go fast, go alone. But if you wish to go far, go together.” Together we will build, create and lead a community where we live, love, learn, work, play and pray together in safety and acceptance.

I look forward to the next 10 years and hope you will join us in spreading wellness and recovery. 

By Michael Szczerbaty, M.A., MHSC

There are two CPRs I would like to tell you about. As many of you know, LAC DMH has a unit under the Program Support Bureau called Client Peer Relations (CPR). CPR was responsible for the recent "Hope and Recovery" conferences for diverse audiences, which were very successful. CPR is also responsible for training PADS (Peer Advocate Development Seminar) and PAL (Peer Advocate Leadership Council) participants.

As the CPR brochure states, "CPR was established as a change agent for recovery-focused services and to provide peer support to people with lived experiences of psychiatric disabilities who receive services from or work in the public mental health system of L.A. County. Founded as an advocacy group within DMH, the Office of Client-Peer Relations (CPR) is dedicated to the inclusion of mental health clients as valued members of our community, and of their peers who work in the system as valued members of our work force. As part of the Program Support Bureau, CPR carries the message of hope, wellness and recovery to all clients and staff of the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health and, whenever possible, to the larger community that we serve."

At the 25th annual 2011 Alternatives Conference I recently attended in Orlando, Florida, I learned about another CPR known as Emotional CPR (eCPR).  "The three components of eCPR, are: C = connecting, P = emPowering, and R = revitalizing. eCPR was developed to address the vast and compelling need to teach both lay people and mental health providers how to assist individuals through an emotional crisis." ¹

The following summary is a collaborative effort between myself and Lauren Spiro, a lead eCPR trainer. Lauren works with Dr. Daniel Fisher, of the National Empowerment Center in Massachusetts. Dr. Fisher was once diagnosed with schizophrenia and was also hospitalized on several occasions. After he recovered, he became a 'psychiatric survivor' who went on to complete medical school and eventually became a board certified psychiatrist. Dr. Fisher was also at the Alternatives Conference as speaker for eCPR, and believes eCPR should be taught internationally to anyone within mental health who is looking for a way to effectively help those individuals who are in crises.

Emotional crisis is a "universal experience" — it can happen to any one of our clients, at any time.  "When a client is exposed to extraordinary circumstances, he or she develops creative ways to protect themselves from real and/or perceived harm." ² Through the use of eCPR, a client can better understand their unusual behavior that was brought on by an emotional crisis. Supporting people in resuming meaningful roles, relationships, and routines within the community is the goal of eCPR.

The approach is said to be “holistic, hopeful, and empowering." ³ It is a heart-to-heart experience between provider and client. It is embedded in a hopeful belief of the provider that by using their interior experience and knowledge, they can help a client recover from an emotional crisis. Rather than labeling someone with another 'mental health problem,' the approach assumes that the person is coping with an experience beyond their current ability to effectively manage their emotional crises. The sooner an eCPR practitioner begins to support a person in their emotional crisis, the more likely it is that “the person will make a full and timely return to a life that has meaning and purpose for them.”

Some clients respond to severe emotional distress by "retreating into 'monologue:' an isolated and disconnected emotional state." ⁴ In monologue, a person's rational ability to think clearly gets interrupted and their sense of self is submerged and no longer available for engaging in a dialogue with anyone else.  "eCPR teaches support skills for the client to stay centered and provide a safe space for the client in crisis to express his or her strong emotions — all the while both persons are able to experience their own vulnerability." In this way, eCPR practitioners assist a person to go from ‘monologue’ into dialogue with others. This "emotional dialogue" allows the participant to understand the deeper meaning behind the feelings. From this shared understanding, helpful insights occur that allow a client to move beyond crisis, and to develop a more hopeful approach to life.

The reestablishment of dialogue is accomplished through the three phases of eCPR:

1. Connecting: begins with the provider being fully present for the client, listening with their full attention on an emotional level which creates an emotionally safe relationship, cultivates hope for the client, validates the client, and communicates a sense of compassionate caring by the provider.
2. EmPowering: Feeling that connection, the client in distress begins to experience their power, and their ability to plan their next steps. This occurs when the assisting provider enters into a collaborative "power with" as opposed to "power over" relationship, which enables the connecting and empowering to be reciprocal.
3. Revitalizing: Experiencing connection and power and the ability to plan next steps, the client's vital center becomes engaged, clearer and stronger. They are ready to re-establish or resume social roles, responsibilities, and relationships.

"The heart is a 'sense' that the provider uses to detect the voice of another's heart." When we are tuned in to the sound of our own heart, it's easier to make that "heart-to-heart" connection that is at the foundation of eCPR.  "One man said that when he was in distress, his heart stopped talking to him and his thoughts became confused. When friends listened deeply, connecting at the heart level, he began to be able to hear the voice of his own heart and his thoughts became clear again." ⁵ This eloquent description illustrates the sense of emotional "numbing" often reported by clients in crisis. Listening with the heart is a skill provider's gain when they have learned to be present. This is similar to "Mindfulness training."

eCPR teaches providers what to do if they encounter a client in emotional crisis.  "It demystifies the process of supporting someone and it also teaches skills that enhance communication and better understanding in all relationships." ⁶

In the caucus it was also stated by Dr. Daniel Fisher that even non-professionals, such as Peer Advocates certified in eCPR can help clients recover from severe emotional distress and trauma, thus preventing the unnecessary use of costly hospital emergency rooms.

"When clients feel that they have a meaningful and valued place in the community, they are less likely to "act out" and hurt themselves or others. Thus, eCPR helps build stronger and more resilient communities." ⁷

"The International Association of Chiefs of Police has recommended including eCPR in law enforcement training." ⁸

I believe that the two CPRs — the Client Peer Relations (CPR) Unit, and Emotional CPR (eCPR) — could complement each other very well and improve outcomes for clients living within Los Angeles County. After certifying a sufficient number of providers in eCPR, the department could form an eCPR outreach team to connect with people in the community who are reported by family and/or police to be in crises — perhaps to the point of wanting to hurt themselves or others. Instead of 5150(ing) the individual in order to take them to the hospital, in most cases the individual in crisis could be assisted at their place of residence by the eCPR outreach team. Similarly, those clients who 'walk in' to the clinic in crisis could be treated by a certified eCPR specialist. Just like physical CPR can save the lives of people experiencing cardiac arrest, eCPR can also save lives of people in emotional crisis. eCPR not only can prevent costly and unnecessary hospitalization; it can also provide hope and needed resources for clients’ integration into community life.

After what I experienced and heard at the eCPR workshop and caucus at the 2011 Alternatives Conference, it is my hope, (as one who has lived experience and is in fact, a psychiatric survivor) that LAC DMH will explore the possibility of providing eCPR Certification training in 2012. I think a double dose of CPR would go a long way to help our clients feel better, and put more of them on the road to Recovery.

For those interested in further information on eCPR, please go to: www.emotional-cpr.org.

In addition, for those interested in the "...groundbreaking real-time social media coverage featuring in-depth recaps of the premier national consumer conference” ⁹ that transpired at the 25th annual 2011 Alternatives Conference located in Orlando, Florida, please go to: http://www.peersnet.org/alternatives2011. The theme of this conference was "Creating Our Own Communities of Wellness and Recovery."

1. Taken from my notes during the eCPR workshop at the 2011 Alternatives Conference. (Notes)
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid. 
4. Ibid.
5. Added by Lauren Spiro.
6. Notes
7. Dr. Daniel Fisher speaking at the 2011 Alternatives Conference workshop.
8. Ibid.
9. Taken from Peers Envisioning and Engaging in Recovery Services (P.E.E.R.S) on their website http://www.peersnet.org/alternatives2011
 

It was by the grace of God and my employer P.E.E.R.S that I was given the great honor and privilege of attending the Alternatives 2011 Conference held in Orlando, Florida. Alternatives is the oldest national mental health conference organized by and for consumers. I met a diverse group of people who were eager to share personal stories with me, a complete stranger. In my awkwardness, I found myself listening attentively, nodding my head and making many facial gestures. It can be quite overwhelming hearing people’s stories and not getting around to share my own. I’ve come to the conclusion that people like sharing their stories with those who listen, but they aren’t very good at listening to other’s stories.

I struggle with and become quite anxious when it comes to telling my story of recovery. What I’ve come to realize about myself is that I don’t feel safe sharing my story with everyone. Everyone isn’t interested in hearing my story. There have been times when I’ve shared my story and felt what I said wasn’t taken seriously. Those situations left me feeling devalued. The purpose for sharing my story is for my own healing, first and foremost, and to be an example for those faced with similar life experiences.

The first workshop I attended at the conference was “Crafting Your Story,” presented by monologist Elizabeth Kenny. It was priceless. She answered many unresolved dilemmas confronting me and provide various tools I could work with. I finally found a process and technique to telling my story. I have so much to tell. I just can’t tell it all at one time (something I always find myself doing). This practice will help me stay focused on one story at a time. It has also helped me discover and uncover those testimonies deep within that, when shared, will heal, deliver and set others free. My stories are too powerful to keep to myself. I learned how I could obtain my goals and overcome tremendous obstacles in telling my story. I will perfect my story and delivery when presenting before an audience.  

Trusting the process and myself is a good place to start. Elizabeth encouraged us future storytellers to think and say to ourselves, “I’ve always had (fill in the blank).”  And we should ask ourselves such questions as:
What’s the point to what I am saying?
Did you hear the fullness of what I said?
Is it clear where I’ve come from and where I’ve gone?
What would happen if I told my story backward?

I learned from Elizabeth that it’s important I captivate the audience’s curiosity when getting my point across. As I establish an emotional connection without getting too emotional, I’m able to share my most intimate memories effectively and with clarity. I must admit, after the workshop I wanted to apply these techniques right away.

Elizabeth held several group exercises. The one that impressed me the most was “Telling Your Story without Emotions.” I don’t want to overwhelm my audience by being overly emotional. I leaned to practice until I reach a place of telling my story with a tone that doesn’t waver, but keeps the audience engaged. Elizabeth told us that 90% of the time the audience has heard a story like yours before. It’s the 10% they haven’t heard. And that’s you, telling your own story, not someone else’s story. The benefit to telling your own story is that you decide what and how much you want to share.

Storytelling Exercise
It takes skills to reach this level of storytelling. Here is an exercise I took away from the workshop:

• Get color-coded index cards and write a word, sentence or paragraph (whatever comes to mind), on separate cards.
• Write a topic for whatever word(s) you’ve written for each card. You can go into as much detail as you want about the word.
• Shuffle the deck. Pull a card daily, weekly or monthly until you have completed a story for each word on a card.

This practice will allow me to empty my soul, let go of all my fears and get focused on one experience at a time during my storytelling. As I study these topics, I will eventually reach a point where I am able to retain and maintain each topic, and tell my story with a natural flow.

I’ve discovered a greater confidence within myself for the love of people. It’s been my goal to help others find themselves (the Will) and accept, love and encourage themselves for who they are, and capable of becoming. I thank you Elizabeth for being a beacon of enlightenment.

As someone who has experienced many years of trauma, I decided to attend the “We Can Heal from Our Trauma” workshop on Thursday afternoon at Alternatives 2011 Conference. Honestly, a part of me was somewhat reluctant, scared and filled with fear about possibly being triggered and going down a not-so-pleasant memory lane. Also, I was not sure what to expect when I walked into the Bocca VII room for this workshop. All I did know, based on the description in the conference’s program, was that the workshop facilitators identified themselves as consumers who have overcame and healed from their own traumatic experiences.

Needless to say, despite my ongoing yearning desire to continue to grow into a stronger, wiser and greater person, I cautiously sat in the back of the room as a defense mechanism. But at some point in the early part of the workshop, I made a conscious effort to have an open mind and interested heart, so my healing could occur despite my sensitivity to distressing issues that cause deep pain.  Then before I knew it, I was captivated and awestruck by presenter Sharon Wise’s eloquent and charismatic speaking ability.

Sharon Wise has been hospitalized and imprisoned over 30 times, often by force. She discussed in length about being secluded and restrained while institutionalized, Sharon also shared her experience of abuse, drug addiction, mental health challenges, as well as the pain she endured after giving her only daughter up for adoption.

As a result, Sharon was able to boldly and graciously share all that she learned from her experience and how she got through her suffering. Sharon taught those who attended the workshop, the powerful healing tool of the arts (music, dancing, drawing, film making). Sharon herself is an outstanding artist who creates vibrant, colorful self-portraits that illustrate her traumatic experiences and African-American heritage.  Through Sharon’s facilitating of the workshop, she clearly and effectively communicated her strength and hope.  She uplifted, inspired and reiterated my own belief that all things are possible. I honestly can say that Sharon comforted and filled my mind, soul and spirit with more aspiration. Her presence alone was warm and peaceful.

Sharon’s son DJ Swagg, boldly and good-naturedly, spoke about his experience being raised by her while she was dealing with personal struggles.  He discussed his pain of witnessing all his mother had gone through, and how much he still loves and respects her.  Her son also shared how he looked for his sister that was adopted, found her on Facebook and reunited their family together. 

The order and process of this workshop was extremely moving.  At the end of the workshop, I tearfully expressed to Sharon and everyone else in the room, “This workshop made my Alternatives.”

I truly believe that Sharon Wise  is an excellent motivational speaker. Her son being included in the workshop’s course of action made it even more of an amazing process for me.  I look forward to next year’s Alternatives Conference, and I hope to attend more workshops facilitated by Sharon Wise.  I know her story would benefit others. So I nominate and advocate for Sharon Wise to be a keynote speaker at Alternatives 2012 Conference!

This year's theme for the 25th Alternatives conference is "Coming Home: Creating Our Own Communities of Wellness and Recovery." I felt right at home at the "Oral History Projects: We've Done Them and You Can Too" workshop. I love audio and good storytelling, which is why I host our PEERS podcast. Oral history is more than what sounds good to the ears. As co-facilitator Oryx Cohen from the Empowerment Center noted in the presentation, oral history can be a tool for social change.

Often what I hear from consumers is that a major help in their recovery process was when someone gave them a voice and cared enough to listen. Oral history stories play a part in silencing stigma. Someone not knowledgeable of mental health issues can hear the story and voice of another's experience. I think that's far more powerful and educational than getting your information on mental health from a film or news story that displays the same old stereotypes of people with mental health challenges as being subhuman and incapable of functioning in society.

With the Internet, oral histories posted online can reach consumers all over the world. Cohen told the crowd that a consumer institutionalized in South Africa called him on his cell phone in United States. The consumer had access to the oral history project Cohen directed called Mind Freedom. Of course, Cohen wondered how some man in South Africa found his cell phone number. But, that speaks to power of letting someone tell their own story.

Social change takes some change, as in money. Co-facilitator Bill Shumaker chronicles stories of mental health recovery from consumers in Arkansas. For his ongoing project "In the Voices of Experience and Recovery Oral History Project," Shumaker's team was able to attain $25,000 in grant funding. Smaller oral history projects may not require as much. Shumaker also emphasized seeking legal help to draft an interview agreement for subjects to sign.

At the end of the workshop I filled out an evaluation form. One of the questions asked if we would use the information learned in the workshop. Bill Shumaker and Oryx Cohen definitely planted a seed in my head. My answer to that question is, "Oh yeah."

Oryx Cohen and Bill Shumaker

This morning, Janice Sorensen and Andy Grant of Western Mass Recovery Learning Community presented their workshop, "The Artist First Approach to Peer Work in Mental Health Recovery: Finding, Engaging and Connecting The Artists in Our Communities." They discussed how they created an opportunity for peers to share their stories and express themselves through art, which each artist exhibited in their own show.

At the beginning of the workshop, each attendee stated what type of art they participate in and how it makes them feel. Repeatedly, participants mentioned that they could get lost in their art, taking a moment away from the stress and difficulties of life. Although the presentation focused on visual art, the art that I get lost in is dance. I have danced ever since I can remember and truly started taking ballet seriously at age 10. For me, dance has always been a time away from the stresses of life, a place to fully express myself, and a source of my nearest and dearest friends. Although ballet is strict in its rules and discipline, there is a freedom to interpret the music and movement and express your inner-most feelings.

I particularly love dancing on a sunny Sunday afternoon when I have no cares in the world. I can let my light heart leap and soar. But, when I have been having a bad day or a bad week, nothing can lift my spirits more than dance. I can go to the studio, stand at the barre, and know that the movements I am creating and perfecting are purely mine. All dancers know how to plie and pirouette, but nobody's looks exactly like mine. No body puts the same exact experience and feeling behind them. I can get lost in the intricacies of the movements and combinations; I can truly let my mind go. When I am dancing I don't have the opportunity to think about the laundry that needs to be done or the dishes that need cleaning. I only have the time to think about the position of my arms, whether my feet are pointed, and if I am balanced perfectly on my leg. It's a time when I am the center of my attention, and no one or nothing else is.

I truly believe that anything you are passionate about and allow yourself to become lost in — whether it be photography, water colors, collage, or dance — can help you to become a more expressive, happy, and content person. I've been lucky to find my passion in life, and I plan on continuing to indulge in it as long as my body lets me.